Monday, January 26, 2009

Out Of My Depth

My best friend Kori's daughter, Hannah, is going through a lot right now. This past summer she thwarted a guy that broke into their home, then had to go through the trauma of worrying about him coming back and feeling like she was being stalked. If that wasn't enough, this past November she was molested by a person that she looked up too, someone she called "Grandpa" and loved him like one. The bastard stole her innocence. She was stronge enough to stop him from raping her, but what he did to her was horrible. I have seen this 16 year old CHILD go through so much these past few months.

At 16 Hannah should be experiencing all the wonders of getting to go out on dates. Shopping with her friends. Doing normal everyday things a 16 year old covets. She has had to forego all they wonders of being 16 for being scared, scared of the prick who molested her trying to get to her, scared of being alone, scared of having to testify against the fucker who took her "mental" innocence! I don't know about anyone else, but hell when I was 16 I worried about who was dating who, what shoes to wear with a certain outfit, about that secret crush you have on someone, but not my sweet daughter by proxy.

Tonight, my best friend told me that Hannah is failing in all her classes. At first Kori was a little angry, but very concerned as to why her grades were so bad. When they came over to pick Owen up tonight, Kori, Hannah and I had a good long talk. The school is wanting to pass Hannah off to an alternative School, Kori being a good mom is against this. Hannah was wanting to go to the school in the town they are moving too. Understandable. When I spoke with Hannah I told her that what she is going through is understandable, but moving to another school, unfortunately what she is going through will follow her until we can get a resolution.

After talking, we all decided that instead of Kori and I going to our Monday night meeting that we would have an ice cream "party", cheer Hannah up the old fashion way. LOL

Later on after I got to Kori's, her and I were standing in the kitchen and she asked Hannah if it was ok to tell me what they spoke about earlier. Making my heart swell, Hannah said of course, she wanted me to know everything. After hearing what Kori was going to tell me, my heart broke.

Kori told me that Hannah had contemplated suicide twice now, since this has all happened. Hannah has even gone so far as to plan it out. She thought she just didn't want to deal with it anymore, that she would use her Mom's Lexapro to end it all. As that is basically the only medication they keep in the house. This is where I AM OUT OF MY DEPTH! I just held her, I couldn't even cry, all I could think was MY GOD this poor child! What can we do. What do I say to her? I want to kill the fucker who did this too her, would that help her? If I could get my bare hands on the SOB would hurting him help her? My heart broke for her. She is only 16 and gone through so much in 6 short months.

We all sat down after that and Kori told her she thought it was time to get her on anti-depressants, which I feel is a good route to go, since at this moment counseling is out until the court case is resolved. She also told Hannah she was calling the DA tomorrow and telling him that Hannah is suicidal and something needs to be done.... NOW! Thank god for Kori's rational mind.

Tomorrow Hannah is going to come over her and hang out with me after her Mom goes back to work. I am so worried I will make her feel alienated if I don't talk more about it with her, then there is the, if I bring it up maybe she won't want to talk about it, so I am going to go with the treat her like normal and if she wants to talk, I will sit down and talk with her about it. I know one thing, I am going to go to bed tonight and pray for Kori, Hannah, and the rest of her family, and pray to god that he will show me the right way to help this 16 year old sweetheart.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

My First Amends

Being a recovering addict, part of my recovery down the road is to make amends to people that you have hurt in the past, as long as it does no damage to that person or yourself. Well, Thursday night I had quite a strange dream. One of my friends, who I have been friends with for almost 20 years now, who I never get to see because of distance, and we send forwards to on-line and speak to off and on through emails was the star of this dream!

I can't remember a lot of the dream, but I do remember someone in it telling me I needed to make amends with Deb. I'm not a hugely religious person, I believe in my Higher Power, in my own way, I pray everyday now, but never felt I had "god experiences". This was one of those I believe. I woke up Friday morning to feeling I really needed to write to Deb and make amends with her. You know, I feel at peace about it since doing it. I feel I didn what I really needed to do. This was one of my "God Shots" I believe.

I was talking to my best friend, Kori, after our meeting last night and we talked about this quite a bit, and I told her, I know down the road I am going to have to make amends to my Ex-Husband, something I didn't think would have to happen, but I have been truly honest to and with myself about my past. Things that I didn't want to or didn't think I needed to, take responsibility for in my first marriage. It may take me a while to make this amends, but I will make it.... eventually.... I think..... NO NO NO I know..... hmmmmmmmmmmm lol

Thursday, January 8, 2009

7:32 A.M.

7:30 a.m. my cell phone rang, I didn't pick up due to having a parent here dropping off a child.

7:32 a.m. my house phone rang, Foster told me it was Aunt Jeri, my sister from Iowa. Instantly my heart started pounding, my hands started to shake. I answered and Jeri said "Hi Sis how are you doing" right away all I could think of is "Dear God something happened to Mom". I instantly asked her if something is wrong. She told me "Sis, Uncle Clarence died early this morning". Devastated, immediately is how I felt. I talked to my mom then for a few moments, she was devastated. She was very close to my Uncle Clarence, his wife, Aunt Bev and my cousins, Mick, Mark, Marty, Joyce and Paula.

When I was little, as far back as I can remember, we went to Minnesota to my Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev's dairy farm for Easter and for a week every summer. As soon as we would pull into their driveway Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev would be outside to welcome us. I can honestly say he was one of my favorite men in my life. While at the farm we were taught how to feed cattle, attach automatic milk machines to the cows teats, shown where the milk was stored, how to slop the pigs they kept, how to get up into the hay loft, basically how to be farm kids. I remember getting out of the car and the tons of flies that would descend because of it being a dairy farm. I will never forget the scents, grazing cows, hay fresh from baling, pig sty, lawn freshly mown, fresh laundry on the line, diesel from the tractor, rotten apple cores from cousin Paula's bedroom, Uncle Clarence's aftershave and the cough drops he always had with him and sucked on. These memories are good childhood, sensory memories.

My Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev raised all their boys to be independent, hard working guys. My cousin Joyce married young and had to children, but is still married to Bob, whom she married at 18 and is now in her 50's. My cousin Paula was born mentally handicapped. Paula has the body of a mid 50 year old and the mind of a 10 year old. Paula lived with my aunt and uncle up until about 10 years ago when she moved into her own home a few blocks from my aunt and uncle, her home is an assisted living home, but she loves it, gives her independence. Paula is someone I am also worried about. Her and my mom are the two people I have worried about this morning. Paula will lose it, this is going to be hard on her emotional, physically and mentally. I pray to god it doesn't push her back mentally to the person that couldn't take care of herself. Aunt Bev is not in any physical condition to be able to take care of her. I pray to god I am not right, but I have a distinct feeling that we will lose my Aunt Bev in a short amount of time. They were high school sweethearts, her and Uncle Clarence, married for around 50 years, and they had a very good marriage. My heart breaks for my Aunt Bev who is a wonderful, loving woman. My heart breaks for my Mom who has lost her older brother that she was especially close with, who helped her through her grief of losing my dad of 45 years. My heart breaks for his sons and daughters, grandchildren and great grandchild.

I'm feeling numb. Uncle Clarence was a big part of my childhood and some of my adulthood. I lost touch when I moved away from home, built a family of my own, a home and life of my own. I did see Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev from time to time and always enjoyed being with them, even in adulthood. I was proud to introduce my sons to their Great Uncle and Aunt. When I moved 1200 miles away I really lost touch with them. Something my rational mind wants to tell me is natural and normal, my irrational mind feels guilt for not seeing them for the past 3 years. The last time I was able to see them and chat with them was when my Dad died almost 3 years ago. I wish I had seen them more, but beating myself up will only hinder my recovery, will only make it easier for me to want to stay numb by using again. I know Uncle Clarence wouldn't want that, any more than I do, or anyone does that loves and cares for me.

At 7:32 a.m. today I learned that a crucial part of my upbringing went home to god today. If I could talk to Uncle Clarence I would say this to him:

"I love you Uncle Clarence. Thank you for being such a big part of my childhood and part of my adulthood. I have so many wonderful memories of you, Aunt Bev and all my cousins, of the farm, the Pontoon boat rides on the lake, going shopping and yard saling with Aunt Bev, cooking with Paula, being teased by you". "My very very first kiss was out in your front yard with Aunt Bev's nephew from California". "I remember watching the Easter Bunny Comes to Town in Paula's room the night before Easter, on that trip, I got car sick and you were right there when my dad carried me into your house to make sure I was OK". "I haven't been able to or ever will be able to smell a halls cough drop without thinking of you" "I pray you made it safe on your final journey, I pray you are with your Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters that have passed, that you and Dad are telling jokes and fishing together now".

I pray for another 24 hours.

Monday, January 5, 2009

A Letter To Me at 17

A note: I have been giving this concept a lot of thought. When the country song came out about this I stopped and thought, wow, that would be a great way to reflect. Then, my best friend, Kori told me about 6 months ago she did this. Right now it is a time for me to reflect. In 6 days I will be celebrating my 1 year of sobriety, plus I will be quitting smoking as of 12:00 a.m. Saturday night (1-10-09). Reflection is wholly on my mind today.

Dear Me,

Wow, 17, one more year and you will be an adult. Scary, huh? Don't sweat the small stuff. This year you will meet the man you will marry, and have two gorgeous sons with. If I wanted to change meeting this man, that would change having my sons. You will go through a lot of ups and downs with this man. You will survive. This year you will be a lifeguard at the local swimming pool, something you will love. Your good at life-guarding, a great swimmer, if you want to change something, becoming the pool manager that was offered to you, next year, would be a great change, rather than sitting home and waiting around for your future ex-husband to come around.

Giving your future ex-husband the ultimatum to stop smoking pot or stop seeing you was a good step, you might want to stick to your guns though instead of backing down. It's not your fault he turned into a junky, but knowing you have done everything always make our minds rest better.

This year in high school, you come across a rumor that your pregnant. Oh well! Good for you though, for finding the guts to stop it where it started and confronting a girl that you were always intimidated by for years. Being yourself is important and this year you are really doing a pretty good job of it.

Your best friend will betray you. This throws you through a loop that you let depress you through a year that should of been fun. Don't stand for it, find those guts again, tell it like it is, and wash your hands of a person who is not worthy of your friendship. You have a many great friends in school who you can trust, who have "your back" and will still be your friends at the ripe old age of 42, even if you don't see them or talk to them very often they are still your friends.

You become engaged to your future ex-husband this fall. His family is a pretty good family. From the git go though, you have problems with his sister, something that plagues your marriage throughout. Don't stand for it. The first time she offends you, stand up to her, that is the best thing you can do, she is one of those women that if you don't you will be looking back and wishing you could of tried something differently.

At the end of this year you will be pulling away from your family, moving toward your future, thinking you know it all! NOT TRUE!!! But, it's a right of passage for us at this age. Mom knows more than you think she does, the things she tells you ARE for your own good and you WILL say them to your own children in the future. BOY that would burn me at 17. lol

Your dad will tell you, for the first time, that he is proud of you. That he loves you. Has an actual adult conversation with you one, that you will reflect back on over the years. You always looked at your dad as that big scary guy, at 6'5 300+lbs, most people would, but after that conversation, you look at him with love and respect and knew you were receiving that love and respect back. Cherish this conversation, you will really need it in the future.

Well, enough said, good luck!!


Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year's Resolutions??

I know a lot of people set New Year's Resolutions for themselves. Honestly, I have never been real big on them. I joke about setting them for myself, but my take is this... WHY? Why set up resolutions that you usually break. My rule of thumb is promises. When I make promises I follow through with them. If I promise something to a friend, loved one, or even myself, I know I can do it and will do it. Resolutions to me are false expectations we set for ourselves that end up making us depressed when we don't or can't follow through with them. I will tell myself "I would like to try....." then when I try it and if I succeed then GREAT, if I don't I chalk it up to experience. Last year I was determined to stop taking Hydrocodone (Vicodin), and that was something I was able to promise myself, I was bound and determined to not have that albatross around my neck any longer. This year I am starting the new year with the knowledge that I did it, will always be in recovery for it, but I am at peace with it.

This year, I would seriously like to stop smoking. I have set January 11, 2009 as my stopping date. This is something I cannot promise will happen, even though I want it badly, I am honestly scared to stop smoking. I am trying to approach it with the thought process that it is just one less thing I am addicted to, as well as the $25.00 a week I spend on them could be going to the outrageous amount of debt I put myself into last year. I do not plan on using any prescriptions, OTC aids to stop smoking. I plan on the good old fashion Cold Turkey. I will be blogging about it I am sure as the date gets closer and as I am hopefully going through the quitting process.

The other thing this year I would like to do is implement a change of eating lifestyle in our household. I know that when people have done this it has helped with weight loss and opened their lives up to challenge as well as benefits reeped for the rest of their lives. My husband and I are planning on a trip to Sturgis this year, I would love to be 25lbs lighter. That gives me 7 months to lose it, that is not an unmanageable goal, one I think I can handle.

My apprehension is this.... stop smoking and losing weight???? Do I DARE try both?? I know people have done it, I know I probably can do it, but I don't tend to be one of those personalities that like to bite off more than I can chew. (haha no pun intended). We will see what happens.

Wish me luck!! I will need it! lol