7:32 A.M.

7:30 a.m. my cell phone rang, I didn't pick up due to having a parent here dropping off a child.

7:32 a.m. my house phone rang, Foster told me it was Aunt Jeri, my sister from Iowa. Instantly my heart started pounding, my hands started to shake. I answered and Jeri said "Hi Sis how are you doing" right away all I could think of is "Dear God something happened to Mom". I instantly asked her if something is wrong. She told me "Sis, Uncle Clarence died early this morning". Devastated, immediately is how I felt. I talked to my mom then for a few moments, she was devastated. She was very close to my Uncle Clarence, his wife, Aunt Bev and my cousins, Mick, Mark, Marty, Joyce and Paula.

When I was little, as far back as I can remember, we went to Minnesota to my Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev's dairy farm for Easter and for a week every summer. As soon as we would pull into their driveway Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev would be outside to welcome us. I can honestly say he was one of my favorite men in my life. While at the farm we were taught how to feed cattle, attach automatic milk machines to the cows teats, shown where the milk was stored, how to slop the pigs they kept, how to get up into the hay loft, basically how to be farm kids. I remember getting out of the car and the tons of flies that would descend because of it being a dairy farm. I will never forget the scents, grazing cows, hay fresh from baling, pig sty, lawn freshly mown, fresh laundry on the line, diesel from the tractor, rotten apple cores from cousin Paula's bedroom, Uncle Clarence's aftershave and the cough drops he always had with him and sucked on. These memories are good childhood, sensory memories.

My Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev raised all their boys to be independent, hard working guys. My cousin Joyce married young and had to children, but is still married to Bob, whom she married at 18 and is now in her 50's. My cousin Paula was born mentally handicapped. Paula has the body of a mid 50 year old and the mind of a 10 year old. Paula lived with my aunt and uncle up until about 10 years ago when she moved into her own home a few blocks from my aunt and uncle, her home is an assisted living home, but she loves it, gives her independence. Paula is someone I am also worried about. Her and my mom are the two people I have worried about this morning. Paula will lose it, this is going to be hard on her emotional, physically and mentally. I pray to god it doesn't push her back mentally to the person that couldn't take care of herself. Aunt Bev is not in any physical condition to be able to take care of her. I pray to god I am not right, but I have a distinct feeling that we will lose my Aunt Bev in a short amount of time. They were high school sweethearts, her and Uncle Clarence, married for around 50 years, and they had a very good marriage. My heart breaks for my Aunt Bev who is a wonderful, loving woman. My heart breaks for my Mom who has lost her older brother that she was especially close with, who helped her through her grief of losing my dad of 45 years. My heart breaks for his sons and daughters, grandchildren and great grandchild.

I'm feeling numb. Uncle Clarence was a big part of my childhood and some of my adulthood. I lost touch when I moved away from home, built a family of my own, a home and life of my own. I did see Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev from time to time and always enjoyed being with them, even in adulthood. I was proud to introduce my sons to their Great Uncle and Aunt. When I moved 1200 miles away I really lost touch with them. Something my rational mind wants to tell me is natural and normal, my irrational mind feels guilt for not seeing them for the past 3 years. The last time I was able to see them and chat with them was when my Dad died almost 3 years ago. I wish I had seen them more, but beating myself up will only hinder my recovery, will only make it easier for me to want to stay numb by using again. I know Uncle Clarence wouldn't want that, any more than I do, or anyone does that loves and cares for me.

At 7:32 a.m. today I learned that a crucial part of my upbringing went home to god today. If I could talk to Uncle Clarence I would say this to him:

"I love you Uncle Clarence. Thank you for being such a big part of my childhood and part of my adulthood. I have so many wonderful memories of you, Aunt Bev and all my cousins, of the farm, the Pontoon boat rides on the lake, going shopping and yard saling with Aunt Bev, cooking with Paula, being teased by you". "My very very first kiss was out in your front yard with Aunt Bev's nephew from California". "I remember watching the Easter Bunny Comes to Town in Paula's room the night before Easter, on that trip, I got car sick and you were right there when my dad carried me into your house to make sure I was OK". "I haven't been able to or ever will be able to smell a halls cough drop without thinking of you" "I pray you made it safe on your final journey, I pray you are with your Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters that have passed, that you and Dad are telling jokes and fishing together now".

I pray for another 24 hours.