An Addicts Mind

My name is Jacquie and I am an addict. Boy was that hard to say a year ago! It was also hard to come to terms with the fact that I have a highly addictive personality.

Last year close to this time of year, when talking to my good friend Kori about a mutual acquaintance of ours and her addiction to Vicodin, I realized I was in that same boat. That same night I went to my husband and admitted my abuse of the medication I was put on for back pain from back surgery. My addiction didn't start there though.

3 1/2 years ago my husband, my 2 youngest sons and I came home from camping during the Memorial Day weekend. Upon arriving home we noticed that Poppa (my father-in-law who had lived with us for 6 months) was still back in his room with the door open. Jim went back and closed his dad's door so we wouldn't disturb him while unpacking. Since I had taken care of Poppa for the past 6 months, it seemed rather odd to me he was still in bed at 5 p.m. so I went back to check on him and found that he had passed away while we were away.

During the time of the loss of Poppa I started with bad headaches and went to my family doctor, who put me on Vicodin. For a while, I was really good at using them as prescribed. Then, 9 months later we received a call from my brother-in-law in Iowa to let us know that my dad died in his sleep on March 15, 2006. The headaches got more frequent, or so I thought, and my Vicodin intake become more frequent. On March 23, 2006, the day after we arrived back home from my dad's funeral, we got a call from my sister-in-law, Marcy, to let us know she had taken Jim's mom to the emergency room for what we thought was a minor stroke. By the time we got to the hospital, the test came back showing that "Mom" had brain and lung cancer. More headaches, more Vicodin. On August 22, 2006, we lost "Mom" to her cancer. More headaches, more Vicodin.

The following year, in September, I had to have back surgery because of bone spurs on my spine were pressing on my Sciatic Nerve. More Vicodin. By that time I was up to close to 14 pills a day. I was having horrible side pain by that time, later I found out it was my liver giving warning signals that I was ingesting way to much medication.

After coming "clean" to my husband, we sat down and decided it would be best to ween me off the Vicodin instead of cold turkey since I was taking so much. The first month was a pretty tough month. Trying to wrap my mind around living without my coveted Vicodin was very very tough! The physical withdrawal was damn tough, but the emotional and mental part of withdrawal was horrible. I have realized since becoming clean that my "beloved" Vicodin was numbing me, so I didn't have to deal with reality. Reality being grief. Vicodin numbs grief. I was able to get through day to day life, help my son's and husband grieve our loved ones that passed on, but wasn't able to help Jacquie grieve them. Mix that with a very addictive personality and you have a recipe for disaster! I was headed there fast! I was slowly killing myself, not even realizing that was what I was doing, but I was. Living with having to worry about my prescription was running out, how was I going to get more pills, was not a way to live. I was taking Xanax as well from time to time, and I have since figured out that I was having panic attacks only when my prescription for Vicodin was getting low and didn't know where to get anymore.

With the excellent and truly devoted help of my wonderful husband, my dear friend Kori, and A.A. I have been able to get clean and stay clean. It's not a miracle, it's recovery, something that I will have to live through day to day. Taking it for 24 hours, is something I can deal with. When I was first being weened, then completely clean, I was taking it 10 minutes at a time. We all have to start somewhere. I am proud to say, January 11th will be a full year since I became clean. It feels good to be clean. My mind is so much clearer, and productive. Being clean hasn't stop me from being a scatterbrain, but anything short of a brain transplant, isn't going to stop that! lol

I still think about Vicodin. I go through periods of time when being high sounds really good. Checking out for a few hours, wow, sounds great. Then I come to my senses and realize I have come to far to let myself take almost 12 months of backward steps. So for today I can stand up and say "I'm Jacquie and I am an addict, and today I haven't used", that is a big thing for me!!!