Jacquie's Jibberish

Now I Pray....

2009-04-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

Being a Daycare Provider I have ups and downs. For the most part, it is ups. I have been blessed to have pretty damn good parents and kids for the past 10 years. I have only encountered a few parents that are remiss about raising their children. I have encountered A LOT of parents who are loving and caring. Over the past 10 years when a child leaves my daycare it saddens my heart, because I become very very attached to all my little charges. A lot of the kids that leave is usually because they have grown up and grown out of the daycare stage, the other reason is if they move. All the kids affect me, all the kids are thought about by me even if they are gone for quite a while. As a daycare provider I'm not suppose to have favorites, but try as I might, I do. Some just reach my heart more than some.

One little girl has curled up in my heart and I know she has done so as well with some of my daycare parents. This little girl is who I pray for.

November of 2007, friends of ours called asking if they could start bringing their Grand-daughter to my daycare as they had temporary custody of her. The minute I laid eyes on Jaylee I fell in love with her. I fell in love and at the same time my heart broke. Jaylee had dark rings under her eyes and was very tiny. For being almost 2 years old she was only wearing 12 month clothing and these were big on her. The rings around her eyes I feel, were from malnutrition. Her real mom was not quite 16 when she gave birth to her. Her mom, Lauren, is a very self-centered girl who has been tested for bi-polar but won't medicate for it.

Jaylee THRIVED in the care of her grandparents. That little girl could talk like an adult before she was two. One story that stands out for me is this: "Jaylee your nosey" and she would say "No I'm not, I'm inquisitive!!" and she said it perfectly and knew what she was talking about! Her grandparents had custody for her for not quite 18 months. They would gladly adopt her, even though all their kids are grown and out of the house. Jaylee has a way of just walking into your life and making the most cold hearted person fall in love with her. In the 18 months of being with her grandparents she went from size 12 month clothing to size 3 toddler. The purple rings disappeared, she started acting like a NORMAL 3 year old child. She told my oldest son, Foster, who is 17, that she was going to marry him one day. We would all laugh.

As I sit here, frustrated and mad as hell because her 20 year old biological mom who has been out of her life for almost 18 months came and took her away from her grandparents. Her mom, at 16 gets pregnant on purpose because it was the "in" thing to do. Lauren then met a boy, married and had another child who is almost 2 that she hardly ever sees as well, AND she is pregnant AGAIN! Did she take Jaylee out of love? NO is my opinion, she took her out of spite out of "look what I can do"! That little girl is who will suffer! Her grandparents will definitely suffer as will all of us who love Jaylee, but Jaylee is the one who will suffer the most and is to young to deal with it, where the rest of us can deal with it. Being able to blog about it is my way of dealing with it. This isn't about me though, this is about Jaylee, a little sweetheart who didn't ask to be born, who didn't ask to be neglected, who didn't ask to fall in love with her "Papa" and Grandma and to feel safe there. When Jaylee talked to Grandma this morning she asked her "When am I coming back to MY HOUSE?" Because that is home to Jaylee! Where are the lawmakers when shit like this is happening?? Jaylee was abondened by her mom to go into the "Services" then after she fails to achieve that goal, "Mom" sits around in New Jersey doing nothing about getting her daughter UNTIL the state of Idaho goes after her for Jaylee's health care costs! Because she is being sued by the state of Idaho is the only reason she is coming for Jaylee, not because of the money, but because her parents forced her hand and signed Jaylee up for medical assistance, something her mother wasn't doing anything about, and because she is finally being made to take responsibility for this adorable little girl financially, out of spite she takes her. I am sure her thoughts are "There take that, you screw with me I will screw with you" when realistically she is messing up Jaylee's life!!!

SO NOW I PRAY..... Dear God, please watch over Jaylee. I asked you to stop her mom from taking her from her Grandparents, you didn't, but I feel in your infinite wisdom there is a greater plan you have in mind for Jaylee and her grandparents. Please watch over Jaylee, see that she is taken care of properly, loved, and cherished. Amen.

P.S. please say a prayer for Jaylee.

A Weekend In Paradise!

2009-03-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, Jim and I celebrated our 10 year Wedding Anniversary yesterday, March 8th.

For the last couple of weeks Jim told me he had plans for our Anniversary weekend, but wouldn't budge on what he had up his sleeve. Believe me, I TRIED to get it out of him! I would weedle and whine (in a joking manner) trying to get it out of him, he jokingly told me he was going to muzzle me! I think the anticipation is half the fun! He did let me know we were dressing up for dinner, which excited me completely, because we are casual people, happily so. Dressing up to me meant I got to see my gorgeous husband in a suit. Jim had taken his suit in to be cleaned last week and Saturday when we went to pick it up they were CLOSED! The man that runs the cleaners told him that they didn't close until 4 p.m. on Saturdays, we got there around one and there was a sign in the window they closed at 12:00! I have to say, I was a little disappointed, but that disappointment went away quickly when I seen how it affected Jim. Jim is one of those wonderful men that when he says he is going to do something for me, he follows through so not being able to wear his suit really threw a wrench into things for him. I told him not to worry about it, don't let it ruin his day. We sat there for a few minutes and lo' and behold, he came up with a great plan! He purchased a pair of dress pants that will go well with his new suit, so he will have a spare pair, and he would be able to wear them, his dress shirt and tie for dinner! So disaster was averted! So off we went......

We get to Pocatello and stop at the local Walmart because I wanted to look for a skirt, we get done there and back on the interstate. Jim takes an exit, gets gas, drives around for a while then pulls up to the Black Swan Inn! I was totally surprised and totally excited about being there! We have gone to this Inn on our 1st, and 5th Anniversary so being able to go there on our 10th meant a GREAT deal to me!

After we checked in, we got up to our Suite, opened the door, and I have to say I was totally floored! WOW! The foyer alone impressed me! It was the Rocky Mountain Suite! I have always had this "fantasy" of being together in a cabin on a snowy night. Well, I have to say, it only snowed flurries outside, but the Suite was like being snowed in with the one person you dream about being snowed in with, the only person you would give your eye teeth to be snowed in with. Jim treated me like a total princess the whole weekend. I felt a little guilty because it is his Anniversary as well. I told him "Thank You for a perfect Anniversary Weekend" and he told me "Thank you for the last 10 years". No fantasy, nor romance novel could outdo the feelings that he gave me this weekend. I am so very blessed, a very lucky woman. Everyday I thank god for bringing Jim into my life!

Toddlers & Random Acts of Kindness!

2009-02-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

This morning I was walking past my daycare room, Ramsey, who is 14 months old started to fuss, which is normal when he sees me, as he wants to be held. I kept walking, as I am trying to break him of this. A few seconds later I noticed he had stopped fussing. What I saw when I turned around made my heart melt, and I believe would melt the heart of the coldest person.

Owen, who is just shy of being 3, walked over to Ramsey, talked to him in that toddler to 3 year old speak that they only understand. He then leaned over and hugged Ramsey and kissed him on the head!!!! Ramsey smiled, and toddled off to play! Yep, even almost 3 year olds can give random acts of kindess!!!

Some days I can be a bit irritable when listening to bickering kids, but seeing something like this, which I do at least once a day, makes me realize, I have the best job in the world!!! How lucky I am to get to watch the wonder of children, to see how the smallest thing like a hug and a kiss can put the brightest smile on a little boys face!!!!

I am right where god wanted me to be at this very time!!!

$8.50 Potatoes

2009-02-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week my husband, Jim, and I were talking on the phone, he was on a business trip in Washington, D.C. We always talk about the day, what he seen, who he met, that kind of thing. Everything about this trip impressed me. I asked him, so have you had dinner? He laughed and said "Yeah we went to this steak house that all the other guys said isn't too expensive". "I was looking at the menu and the cheapest thing on the menu was a stuffed chicken breast for $21.00!!" I was sitting here thinking, "OMG!! I can get 5 dinners worth of chicken breasts for that one chicken breast!!" Jim told me that was JUST for the chicken breast, to have mashed potatoes or hash browns you had to add another $8.50!!!! FOR POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Moly! We laughed about it! Boy, those people in Washington, D.C., must be paid really well to have to pay that much for a meal!!

After hanging up with Jim I was thinking, I realize the people who live and work in Washington, D.C. have a higher pay scale to jibe with the cost of living there, compared to us Idahoan's. BUT HOLY MOLY! Honestly, I believe if I was bringing in $100k a year I would still be taken aback at $8.50 potatoes!!! You can get a 20lb bag of potatoes for under $8.50!! That would make us at least 8 meals! Makes me feel more confident in my already great love for IDAHO!!!!!

KIDS!!!

2009-02-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

Being a daycare provider I see so many funny things from day to day with the kids I have. Last week I was sitting in the daycare room among all of the kids holding Lux, a new child to the daycare, it was her first day and she was a touch weepy. As I am sitting there, Jaylee, Blyth and Gracie asked me if they could "do my hair". I said sure! So they get the big lego blocks I have in there and sit them around me and go to work. It fascinated me! These little girls are so creative! They would take two blocks put some of my hair in between the blocks, and press them together, so they were "curling" my hair! Owen, my little sweetie, (not my child by birth but a child of my heart) sat watching them and looked at me and said "I do too?" I told him "Sure, hop on in here". By the time they were finished with me I had a head full of "curlers", my "Make-up" was done and was deemed "Beeutiful"! When they did my make-up they took some of the play dishes and would stir the "make-up" with more blocks then apply it with their soft little hands! It was rather relaxing!!

Kids are wonderfully amazing! A lot of CRAP could be going on in your life and you sit down with them, let their imagination take over and really your problems aren't so bad after all!!

Sometime soon I need to have a picture taken of my "curlers" and post it on here. LOL

Out Of My Depth

2009-01-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

My best friend Kori's daughter, Hannah, is going through a lot right now. This past summer she thwarted a guy that broke into their home, then had to go through the trauma of worrying about him coming back and feeling like she was being stalked. If that wasn't enough, this past November she was molested by a person that she looked up too, someone she called "Grandpa" and loved him like one. The bastard stole her innocence. She was stronge enough to stop him from raping her, but what he did to her was horrible. I have seen this 16 year old CHILD go through so much these past few months.

At 16 Hannah should be experiencing all the wonders of getting to go out on dates. Shopping with her friends. Doing normal everyday things a 16 year old covets. She has had to forego all they wonders of being 16 for being scared, scared of the prick who molested her trying to get to her, scared of being alone, scared of having to testify against the fucker who took her "mental" innocence! I don't know about anyone else, but hell when I was 16 I worried about who was dating who, what shoes to wear with a certain outfit, about that secret crush you have on someone, but not my sweet daughter by proxy.

Tonight, my best friend told me that Hannah is failing in all her classes. At first Kori was a little angry, but very concerned as to why her grades were so bad. When they came over to pick Owen up tonight, Kori, Hannah and I had a good long talk. The school is wanting to pass Hannah off to an alternative School, Kori being a good mom is against this. Hannah was wanting to go to the school in the town they are moving too. Understandable. When I spoke with Hannah I told her that what she is going through is understandable, but moving to another school, unfortunately what she is going through will follow her until we can get a resolution.

After talking, we all decided that instead of Kori and I going to our Monday night meeting that we would have an ice cream "party", cheer Hannah up the old fashion way. LOL

Later on after I got to Kori's, her and I were standing in the kitchen and she asked Hannah if it was ok to tell me what they spoke about earlier. Making my heart swell, Hannah said of course, she wanted me to know everything. After hearing what Kori was going to tell me, my heart broke.

Kori told me that Hannah had contemplated suicide twice now, since this has all happened. Hannah has even gone so far as to plan it out. She thought she just didn't want to deal with it anymore, that she would use her Mom's Lexapro to end it all. As that is basically the only medication they keep in the house. This is where I AM OUT OF MY DEPTH! I just held her, I couldn't even cry, all I could think was MY GOD this poor child! What can we do. What do I say to her? I want to kill the fucker who did this too her, would that help her? If I could get my bare hands on the SOB would hurting him help her? My heart broke for her. She is only 16 and gone through so much in 6 short months.

We all sat down after that and Kori told her she thought it was time to get her on anti-depressants, which I feel is a good route to go, since at this moment counseling is out until the court case is resolved. She also told Hannah she was calling the DA tomorrow and telling him that Hannah is suicidal and something needs to be done.... NOW! Thank god for Kori's rational mind.

Tomorrow Hannah is going to come over her and hang out with me after her Mom goes back to work. I am so worried I will make her feel alienated if I don't talk more about it with her, then there is the, if I bring it up maybe she won't want to talk about it, so I am going to go with the treat her like normal and if she wants to talk, I will sit down and talk with her about it. I know one thing, I am going to go to bed tonight and pray for Kori, Hannah, and the rest of her family, and pray to god that he will show me the right way to help this 16 year old sweetheart.

My First Amends

2009-01-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

Being a recovering addict, part of my recovery down the road is to make amends to people that you have hurt in the past, as long as it does no damage to that person or yourself. Well, Thursday night I had quite a strange dream. One of my friends, who I have been friends with for almost 20 years now, who I never get to see because of distance, and we send forwards to on-line and speak to off and on through emails was the star of this dream!

I can't remember a lot of the dream, but I do remember someone in it telling me I needed to make amends with Deb. I'm not a hugely religious person, I believe in my Higher Power, in my own way, I pray everyday now, but never felt I had "god experiences". This was one of those I believe. I woke up Friday morning to feeling I really needed to write to Deb and make amends with her. You know, I feel at peace about it since doing it. I feel I didn what I really needed to do. This was one of my "God Shots" I believe.

I was talking to my best friend, Kori, after our meeting last night and we talked about this quite a bit, and I told her, I know down the road I am going to have to make amends to my Ex-Husband, something I didn't think would have to happen, but I have been truly honest to and with myself about my past. Things that I didn't want to or didn't think I needed to, take responsibility for in my first marriage. It may take me a while to make this amends, but I will make it.... eventually.... I think..... NO NO NO I know..... hmmmmmmmmmmm lol

7:32 A.M.

2009-01-08T07:41:00.001-08:00

7:30 a.m. my cell phone rang, I didn't pick up due to having a parent here dropping off a child.

7:32 a.m. my house phone rang, Foster told me it was Aunt Jeri, my sister from Iowa. Instantly my heart started pounding, my hands started to shake. I answered and Jeri said "Hi Sis how are you doing" right away all I could think of is "Dear God something happened to Mom". I instantly asked her if something is wrong. She told me "Sis, Uncle Clarence died early this morning". Devastated, immediately is how I felt. I talked to my mom then for a few moments, she was devastated. She was very close to my Uncle Clarence, his wife, Aunt Bev and my cousins, Mick, Mark, Marty, Joyce and Paula.

When I was little, as far back as I can remember, we went to Minnesota to my Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev's dairy farm for Easter and for a week every summer. As soon as we would pull into their driveway Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev would be outside to welcome us. I can honestly say he was one of my favorite men in my life. While at the farm we were taught how to feed cattle, attach automatic milk machines to the cows teats, shown where the milk was stored, how to slop the pigs they kept, how to get up into the hay loft, basically how to be farm kids. I remember getting out of the car and the tons of flies that would descend because of it being a dairy farm. I will never forget the scents, grazing cows, hay fresh from baling, pig sty, lawn freshly mown, fresh laundry on the line, diesel from the tractor, rotten apple cores from cousin Paula's bedroom, Uncle Clarence's aftershave and the cough drops he always had with him and sucked on. These memories are good childhood, sensory memories.

My Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev raised all their boys to be independent, hard working guys. My cousin Joyce married young and had to children, but is still married to Bob, whom she married at 18 and is now in her 50's. My cousin Paula was born mentally handicapped. Paula has the body of a mid 50 year old and the mind of a 10 year old. Paula lived with my aunt and uncle up until about 10 years ago when she moved into her own home a few blocks from my aunt and uncle, her home is an assisted living home, but she loves it, gives her independence. Paula is someone I am also worried about. Her and my mom are the two people I have worried about this morning. Paula will lose it, this is going to be hard on her emotional, physically and mentally. I pray to god it doesn't push her back mentally to the person that couldn't take care of herself. Aunt Bev is not in any physical condition to be able to take care of her. I pray to god I am not right, but I have a distinct feeling that we will lose my Aunt Bev in a short amount of time. They were high school sweethearts, her and Uncle Clarence, married for around 50 years, and they had a very good marriage. My heart breaks for my Aunt Bev who is a wonderful, loving woman. My heart breaks for my Mom who has lost her older brother that she was especially close with, who helped her through her grief of losing my dad of 45 years. My heart breaks for his sons and daughters, grandchildren and great grandchild.

I'm feeling numb. Uncle Clarence was a big part of my childhood and some of my adulthood. I lost touch when I moved away from home, built a family of my own, a home and life of my own. I did see Uncle Clarence and Aunt Bev from time to time and always enjoyed being with them, even in adulthood. I was proud to introduce my sons to their Great Uncle and Aunt. When I moved 1200 miles away I really lost touch with them. Something my rational mind wants to tell me is natural and normal, my irrational mind feels guilt for not seeing them for the past 3 years. The last time I was able to see them and chat with them was when my Dad died almost 3 years ago. I wish I had seen them more, but beating myself up will only hinder my recovery, will only make it easier for me to want to stay numb by using again. I know Uncle Clarence wouldn't want that, any more than I do, or anyone does that loves and cares for me.

At 7:32 a.m. today I learned that a crucial part of my upbringing went home to god today. If I could talk to Uncle Clarence I would say this to him:

"I love you Uncle Clarence. Thank you for being such a big part of my childhood and part of my adulthood. I have so many wonderful memories of you, Aunt Bev and all my cousins, of the farm, the Pontoon boat rides on the lake, going shopping and yard saling with Aunt Bev, cooking with Paula, being teased by you". "My very very first kiss was out in your front yard with Aunt Bev's nephew from California". "I remember watching the Easter Bunny Comes to Town in Paula's room the night before Easter, on that trip, I got car sick and you were right there when my dad carried me into your house to make sure I was OK". "I haven't been able to or ever will be able to smell a halls cough drop without thinking of you" "I pray you made it safe on your final journey, I pray you are with your Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters that have passed, that you and Dad are telling jokes and fishing together now".

I pray for another 24 hours.

A Letter To Me at 17

2009-01-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

A note: I have been giving this concept a lot of thought. When the country song came out about this I stopped and thought, wow, that would be a great way to reflect. Then, my best friend, Kori told me about 6 months ago she did this. Right now it is a time for me to reflect. In 6 days I will be celebrating my 1 year of sobriety, plus I will be quitting smoking as of 12:00 a.m. Saturday night (1-10-09). Reflection is wholly on my mind today.

Dear Me,

Wow, 17, one more year and you will be an adult. Scary, huh? Don't sweat the small stuff. This year you will meet the man you will marry, and have two gorgeous sons with. If I wanted to change meeting this man, that would change having my sons. You will go through a lot of ups and downs with this man. You will survive. This year you will be a lifeguard at the local swimming pool, something you will love. Your good at life-guarding, a great swimmer, if you want to change something, becoming the pool manager that was offered to you, next year, would be a great change, rather than sitting home and waiting around for your future ex-husband to come around.

Giving your future ex-husband the ultimatum to stop smoking pot or stop seeing you was a good step, you might want to stick to your guns though instead of backing down. It's not your fault he turned into a junky, but knowing you have done everything always make our minds rest better.

This year in high school, you come across a rumor that your pregnant. Oh well! Good for you though, for finding the guts to stop it where it started and confronting a girl that you were always intimidated by for years. Being yourself is important and this year you are really doing a pretty good job of it.

Your best friend will betray you. This throws you through a loop that you let depress you through a year that should of been fun. Don't stand for it, find those guts again, tell it like it is, and wash your hands of a person who is not worthy of your friendship. You have a many great friends in school who you can trust, who have "your back" and will still be your friends at the ripe old age of 42, even if you don't see them or talk to them very often they are still your friends.

You become engaged to your future ex-husband this fall. His family is a pretty good family. From the git go though, you have problems with his sister, something that plagues your marriage throughout. Don't stand for it. The first time she offends you, stand up to her, that is the best thing you can do, she is one of those women that if you don't you will be looking back and wishing you could of tried something differently.

At the end of this year you will be pulling away from your family, moving toward your future, thinking you know it all! NOT TRUE!!! But, it's a right of passage for us at this age. Mom knows more than you think she does, the things she tells you ARE for your own good and you WILL say them to your own children in the future. BOY that would burn me at 17. lol

Your dad will tell you, for the first time, that he is proud of you. That he loves you. Has an actual adult conversation with you one, that you will reflect back on over the years. You always looked at your dad as that big scary guy, at 6'5 300+lbs, most people would, but after that conversation, you look at him with love and respect and knew you were receiving that love and respect back. Cherish this conversation, you will really need it in the future.

Well, enough said, good luck!!

Me

New Year's Resolutions??

2009-01-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of people set New Year's Resolutions for themselves. Honestly, I have never been real big on them. I joke about setting them for myself, but my take is this... WHY? Why set up resolutions that you usually break. My rule of thumb is promises. When I make promises I follow through with them. If I promise something to a friend, loved one, or even myself, I know I can do it and will do it. Resolutions to me are false expectations we set for ourselves that end up making us depressed when we don't or can't follow through with them. I will tell myself "I would like to try....." then when I try it and if I succeed then GREAT, if I don't I chalk it up to experience. Last year I was determined to stop taking Hydrocodone (Vicodin), and that was something I was able to promise myself, I was bound and determined to not have that albatross around my neck any longer. This year I am starting the new year with the knowledge that I did it, will always be in recovery for it, but I am at peace with it.

This year, I would seriously like to stop smoking. I have set January 11, 2009 as my stopping date. This is something I cannot promise will happen, even though I want it badly, I am honestly scared to stop smoking. I am trying to approach it with the thought process that it is just one less thing I am addicted to, as well as the $25.00 a week I spend on them could be going to the outrageous amount of debt I put myself into last year. I do not plan on using any prescriptions, OTC aids to stop smoking. I plan on the good old fashion Cold Turkey. I will be blogging about it I am sure as the date gets closer and as I am hopefully going through the quitting process.

The other thing this year I would like to do is implement a change of eating lifestyle in our household. I know that when people have done this it has helped with weight loss and opened their lives up to challenge as well as benefits reeped for the rest of their lives. My husband and I are planning on a trip to Sturgis this year, I would love to be 25lbs lighter. That gives me 7 months to lose it, that is not an unmanageable goal, one I think I can handle.

My apprehension is this.... stop smoking and losing weight???? Do I DARE try both?? I know people have done it, I know I probably can do it, but I don't tend to be one of those personalities that like to bite off more than I can chew. (haha no pun intended). We will see what happens.

Wish me luck!! I will need it! lol

How The Hog Ate The Cabbage

2008-12-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

Sitting here thinking about my youngest son's birthday tomorrow, I realized, I am going to have 2 teenaged boys living under our roof. God Help Me PLEASE! lol

When Foster, my oldest, was 13 he decided that he would see if he could push my husband, Jim, see how far he got. Jim being a very muscular man, showed him "how the hog ate the cabbage" so to speak! lol A few days before their confrontation, Foster decided to get mouthy with me, I was shocked, he really had never been very mouthy. He was in the kitchen with Jake and was trying to force Jake to do all the kitchen duties they are to share. When I went into the kitchen to see what was going on, I about flipped out! Foster was hitting his brother! Holy Shit! I walked up to Foster and had words with him then sent him to his room which he went, deciding the door needed to be slammed! lol When I went back to his room to reprimand him for doing that he is leaning on the door so I can't get in! WOW, I was shocked and pissed off! Anyway, we ended up grounded! Then a few days later, Jim is talking to him about his bad grades and he is ignoring him. So, Jim puts his hand on Foster's shoulder to get his attention and Foster starts kicking Jim! Jim marched him into our room, had him up against the wall (no, he wasn't being mean, but was trying to get Foster to calm down), had quite a long talk with him and ya know what?? Foster has been pretty mild mannered since that day.

So, I asked myself.....how long to I have before Jake decides he needs to learn "how the hog ate the cabbage?" I have a feeling it's not going to be much longer! Teenagers are so much FUN! NOT!

Besides being pains to their parents, I have figured out the past 6 months, teenagers seem to decide that they hate their siblings, that is unless someone else does something to them, then they stand beside them and fight the battle! Foster seems to look at his brother and automatically wants to either tease him unmercifully or bite the poor kids head off! Jake either wants to be rude or whine because he started something he can't finish when it comes to a mouth fight with his older brother! I told them both the other day "I am tired of being a Referee, I QUIT!" They didn't seem to get that one, Mom, quit? Mom's don't QUIT???? Do they? I don't quit loving you and being here but damn! I quit having to referee your verbal sparing matches is what I told them. They seemed confused by that one! LOL Hey, they were quite for at least 5 minutes mulling that one over!!!

I just hope my sanity still exists once the Christmas break from school is over!! God HELP ME! lol

An Addicts Mind

2008-12-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

My name is Jacquie and I am an addict. Boy was that hard to say a year ago! It was also hard to come to terms with the fact that I have a highly addictive personality.

Last year close to this time of year, when talking to my good friend Kori about a mutual acquaintance of ours and her addiction to Vicodin, I realized I was in that same boat. That same night I went to my husband and admitted my abuse of the medication I was put on for back pain from back surgery. My addiction didn't start there though.

3 1/2 years ago my husband, my 2 youngest sons and I came home from camping during the Memorial Day weekend. Upon arriving home we noticed that Poppa (my father-in-law who had lived with us for 6 months) was still back in his room with the door open. Jim went back and closed his dad's door so we wouldn't disturb him while unpacking. Since I had taken care of Poppa for the past 6 months, it seemed rather odd to me he was still in bed at 5 p.m. so I went back to check on him and found that he had passed away while we were away.

During the time of the loss of Poppa I started with bad headaches and went to my family doctor, who put me on Vicodin. For a while, I was really good at using them as prescribed. Then, 9 months later we received a call from my brother-in-law in Iowa to let us know that my dad died in his sleep on March 15, 2006. The headaches got more frequent, or so I thought, and my Vicodin intake become more frequent. On March 23, 2006, the day after we arrived back home from my dad's funeral, we got a call from my sister-in-law, Marcy, to let us know she had taken Jim's mom to the emergency room for what we thought was a minor stroke. By the time we got to the hospital, the test came back showing that "Mom" had brain and lung cancer. More headaches, more Vicodin. On August 22, 2006, we lost "Mom" to her cancer. More headaches, more Vicodin.

The following year, in September, I had to have back surgery because of bone spurs on my spine were pressing on my Sciatic Nerve. More Vicodin. By that time I was up to close to 14 pills a day. I was having horrible side pain by that time, later I found out it was my liver giving warning signals that I was ingesting way to much medication.

After coming "clean" to my husband, we sat down and decided it would be best to ween me off the Vicodin instead of cold turkey since I was taking so much. The first month was a pretty tough month. Trying to wrap my mind around living without my coveted Vicodin was very very tough! The physical withdrawal was damn tough, but the emotional and mental part of withdrawal was horrible. I have realized since becoming clean that my "beloved" Vicodin was numbing me, so I didn't have to deal with reality. Reality being grief. Vicodin numbs grief. I was able to get through day to day life, help my son's and husband grieve our loved ones that passed on, but wasn't able to help Jacquie grieve them. Mix that with a very addictive personality and you have a recipe for disaster! I was headed there fast! I was slowly killing myself, not even realizing that was what I was doing, but I was. Living with having to worry about my prescription was running out, how was I going to get more pills, was not a way to live. I was taking Xanax as well from time to time, and I have since figured out that I was having panic attacks only when my prescription for Vicodin was getting low and didn't know where to get anymore.

With the excellent and truly devoted help of my wonderful husband, my dear friend Kori, and A.A. I have been able to get clean and stay clean. It's not a miracle, it's recovery, something that I will have to live through day to day. Taking it for 24 hours, is something I can deal with. When I was first being weened, then completely clean, I was taking it 10 minutes at a time. We all have to start somewhere. I am proud to say, January 11th will be a full year since I became clean. It feels good to be clean. My mind is so much clearer, and productive. Being clean hasn't stop me from being a scatterbrain, but anything short of a brain transplant, isn't going to stop that! lol

I still think about Vicodin. I go through periods of time when being high sounds really good. Checking out for a few hours, wow, sounds great. Then I come to my senses and realize I have come to far to let myself take almost 12 months of backward steps. So for today I can stand up and say "I'm Jacquie and I am an addict, and today I haven't used", that is a big thing for me!!!